chasethesunx

It almost is:/ i mean i am ready to go to school but i really don't want to
this summer was interesting , i learned a lot about myself
- i'm not as shy as i thought i was
- i don't need anyone only my family and and a few good friends
- i am more focused than i thought i was
i feel good but its just a bittersweet feeling when summer closes

and wtf i heard girls from my school saying they left alcohol in their parents rooms and their hooking up with this guy and that guy, ARE YOU OUT OF YOUR DAMN MIND?! you're 17 chillllll the shit out
why do people try to grow up so fast? i mean its sick , don't you have any respect for yourself like seriously i think i am the only normal person i mean is it that hard to do good things like study, help out volunteering, getting a job?
i mean your putting yourself in a vulnerable position and its not like your going to be with this guy forever. geez immaturity and i'm not ready to come back to that school is just weird.

Anyways these are last few days at work but i hope to get a job at the kennel and i am starting Tae Kwon Do so its looking good:) always hope!

i'm sitting in the kitchen feeling pointless and useless
i feel like i live such a pathetic life sometimes hmmm maybe its just a crappy mood
but I feel like i am questioning everyone and their relations to me
maybe i trust people too much or maybe i put other people before myself and then realize that no on cares about me in the end except for my family and myself
why do i do this to myself and think that this time things will be different, i mean i WANT things to be different this time around but its like whats the point of wasting my time because its just going to end up how it usually does.
Honestly, i feel like i should just put everything aside and work on myself and self-esteem i feel like sometimes I am going back to feeling the same things I did when I was like 13, and i worked so hard to get myself out of that feeling.
I need to get my shit together, i feel like my own self is falling apart.
If people want to talk to me then they will, i'm tired of trying so hard to get people's attention. So I'm out this time and peaceeeeeeeeeee.

Zoo volunteering starts tomorrow:) finally something to lift my spirits

Its been soooooooooooo long since I have posted:)
But i am back:D
Its the middle of summer before my senior year of High School, so exciting:D

and I honestly think everything is going wonderful :)
I feel like i have learned so much this year
and i feel like something exciting is ahead:)
Its going to be different this time.........

i really hope:)

I haven't posted in like 2 months and how time flies!
Life has been awesome though:)
The Cure live was the best night of my life, they are my role models and their music is like a religious experience in concert.
I finished school Friday and got straight A's for the whole year so no exams for me:]

I'm home for two weeks by myself because my parents are at work so today I just went tanning on the porch and did some cleaning lame but oh well:]
In less than two weeks I'm going to Russia thank holy biscuits:P
I just feel like something is not ready for me to leave just yet

I feel like i need to put myself back together and just spend some quality time getting to know me again
so my whole diet thing is working out well trying to tone myself
haha and my mom bought these really good muffins so its hard to resist but a little bit doesn't hurt lol

and i have no idea why I am watching Blind Date lol and that guy is totally staring at her boobs the whole time but anyways hah he's a perv lol what a keeper

anywaysssssss going to the park later:)

going to apply to Slovakia for Vet Medicine, decided.

speak louder than words cupcake.

My life has definately gone back to what it used to be a year ago.
It's a new chapter for sure.
I'm happy I got myself back on track.:)

I'm always independent and on my own, but this time it's worth it in the end.

I feel better about myself.
I just need to focus on what's important and put all the bull shit aside.




:)
i'm back.

these past few days and week have been so emotionally overwhelming for me.
i'm tired of being so naive .
i'm tired of giving in to things and bowing down to people.

from this week i am a strong girl and from now on i handle myself only me.

i wrote so many songs this week
and cried a lot
but i'm done feeling sorry for myself i should have been stronger from the start
to stand up for myself.

i really miss you still:/:/

hii
goodness its a friday night and i am so exhausted this week has been draining a lot.
i wish people at my school had more time to do things they like we're always rushed with school work:P
we all need time to pursue other things and have more break, but at least maybe a little less homework ahaha.

monday and tuesday are 3 tests each totaling 6 in the first two days of the week:(
i really need to get through next week,
heck the rest of the year lol.

tomorrow i am going for a run at the park and studying.
tonight i am definately getting loads of sleep

:)

goodnight.

Things bother me too much. I know I shouldn't worry about it, but I can't help seeing other people in comparison to me.:/

It feels like what people think of me as and knowing me - they come up with some great impression of me.
The fact is I'm the opposite of what everyone thinks of me as- i prefer staying at home and reading and doing things then partying or other things. I love to play piano and djing and helping animals out and saving them- that's my life. Those are the major things that make me happy. I'm nothing interesting and no one will ever find me interesting.

I've never met one person in my life which i feel truly connected to in person. That's why I'm so hesitant and shy and I wonder if there is anyone out there that feels the way that I feel and think.
The reason people say I'm so "chill" is because i've given up on fitting in because I know I never ever will even for just one second and just do my own thing I honestly don't care what other people are doing.

Heck, i've never had a guy buy me flowers or anyone buy me chocolate for that matter.
I'm so lame.
Adding on to that, I bet a lot of other people have another same little secret as me, but I can't tell anyone it's just to embarassing. Fricking ridiculous damn it, as usual.

Lately, I can't tell the difference between reality and dreams.
What I want to happen so badly gets turned off right away slapped in my face and it's not on purpose I don't think, but I'm done dealing with people in general. I get my hopes so fricking built up inside of me then it all just shatters. Why can't anyone pull through for me come on sweethearts you can do it lol.
I just want to feel genuinely special in someone's eyes. I want someone to call me millions of times and show truly that they really care about me and not just some thing hey how are you shit lol i am GOOD as always so stop asking haah, because I would do that for anyone, but no one ever does that for me or ever probably will. I am seriously not worth anyone's time I guess and I know I am right because if I wasn't then I wouldn't be feeling this way.

I am an easygoing person and I am a happy person, but sometimes happy people can't always be happy all the time.
It all boils down to me feeling like a douche bag for me being me and I do love myself , I think I have wonderful qualities in a person, but no one else will ever see that in me. I am a nice and kind person, but add on top of that fat, hideous, jealous, sensitive, odd and you have me.

Someone like me for me please as a person.
Life is frustrating.
We're all just machines running off of fuel anyway and we die haha i am being so emo, but whatever.
Complicated is all I've ever known.

P.S. - I love it when I rant and i am not even upset or anything I just get myself worked up for nothing:P

and i just ate the greatest dinner ever tonight haha

This week has been busy!
Yesterday i went to Panera with friends and today i'll just spend the whole day doing work.

Last night was amazing, it made me realize how much I love to play the piano even more.
I went to see David Lanz in concert. It's like new age classical music with a grand piano and cello and some flutes and it was so incredible. I have a thing for classical smooth music.
The way he plays so effortlessly on the keys makes my heart jump.

So it brought me to this,
I don't think that anyone should ever give up something they love to do for anything.
I know i won't ever give up my piano, synth, and violin.
I really want to take a music theory course.

I've already been playing violin for 7 years and piano for a bit and i just realized how much I rely on music in my life. Yesterday was amazing.!

:) is sooooooo amazing and gorgeous

his album was the first album i ever bought "escape"
and i get to see him soon:D:D

last night was nice
hanged out with friends and went to corrine's party
i tried a bunch of new seafood and caught shrimp in my mouth hah
i am good at catching things in my mouth
anyways,

i've made a decision that i won't hope for things anymore because they usually end in disappointment
so i am not letting one person affect my days in a bad way and i'm going to start to do things for myself.

this comes around
i really would like
it to just be what i've seen as a fantasy like thing
putting everything i have into it
but i wonder if my life is even capable of something
so wonderful beyond usual things
i guess i'll just have to hope.

Recently, I've had so much inspiration
for my art and music
I love it!

Watching a bunch of marilyn manson interviews and we have a lot of things in common actually
well not all
but majority
i like the way he creates things that cause controversy but he does it for himself and to reach out to people who might be having a hard time and his art is wonderful
!


one of my all time favorite songs

haha so now i have a frickin sinus infection
but it will go away eventually i hope lol

some friends are ignoring me for no reason
its just i have been through a rough period this past month
and i hope they understand
everyone goes through them
for me its like alone period

but it turned out to spark a lot of ideas for me
and i hope people understand.

life has been so hectic lately!
at least science fair is over that's one thing:]
it was an interesting experience so to say.
grades are due soon i tried my hardest there's nothing i would have changed.
then midterm exams allllll week long:(
study time but when its over i will be so glad.

it seems like yesterday it was new year's and then its the middle of january basically.
this is super nuts:P
i want it to be summer sooo sooo bad.

and i am ordering more band-tees:)
concert next weekend thank goodness it's about time really
:]

I'm tired of being so nice to people and trying my hardest to be a good friend to everyone
and all i get is crap in return and a bunch of nationality comments,
thanks everyone.
i've dealt with it my entire life and i'm really not surprised it hasn't changed since when i was like 5.
ahhhhh goodness:P
is it that i am a bad person or i am different? i don't get it. I try my hardest to help everyone with anything and be there for people.
People in America really need to open their eyes to new cultures and making fun of somebody and insulting their own country is like a stab in the heart.
Here, no one even cares to ask what it's like but just goes straight for the comments that they have learned from what "the Soviet , Russia" is like.
And people here know that Russia is their main competitor because it is rising again. And the American government tells people not what is going on in other parts of the world and has that "twist the facts" like a snake and deliver it to the american public. It's ridiculous. After talking to my parents who came to this country with $50 dollars in their pocket and a suit case who now are more successful than anyone i know, i understand i am slowly going to go in a different direction than everyone else.
In America, on the television all they show is american news they don't even interest in other countries that much. Teenagers all many of them do is sit on their butt and eat junk food, play video games, sit inside gluing their eyes to the t.v., drinking ,partying, etc.
It's not right. Do you really think this is going to get you anywhere in life? People come on have an interest to travel, read, do good in education so you get yourself somewhere. Education is what's important not who you made-out with or this girl did that he said this who the shit cares. It's useless it doesn't get you anywhere. Once you are intelligent with a well-rounded education then all the rest will come. It upsets me to see how so many teenagers and people waste their life when so much opportunity is in front of them. So many kids never get the chance to learn or go to school and i see people that could give less a shit and don't even try. It disgusts me. If people choose that path then go ahead but i wish everyone would be open-minded to the world.
This is that phase in my life when i am realizing who my real friends are and just growing up.
Everyone seems to be going in their own direction and it's scary how people change but oh well life goes on people come and go. In this world your independence and education and mind will get you places.

I'm ready to focus and become a better me. I don't care if i lose people in my life and their friendship. Friends come and go and the real ones will stay. I don't need stress or drama in my life all i want is to have some really good friends who accept me for me. I am going to work so hard on my education. Even if it is a lonely road i don't mind , i need to do things for myself and not please so many people.
Life goes on:)

Well every single time I see you I start to feel this way
It makes me wonder if I am ever gonna feel this way again.
There's a picture
tearin
in the back of my head
I see it over and over
I wanna hold you and love you
In my arms and then
I wanna need you
cuz I need to be with you till the end
Then I hear myself reply "You've got to hold it in" this time tonight

If only I had the guts to feel this way, if only you'd look at me and
want to stay, if only I could take you in my arms and say, I won't go cuz I
need you

Sit here waiting, wondering, hoping that I'll make this right
Cuz all I think about is your hands, your face and all these lonely nights
There's a feeling screaming in the back of my head
Saying it over and over
I wanna hold you and love you
In my arms and then
I wanna need you
cuz I need to be with you till the end
Then I hear myself reply "She'll never let you in" this time tonight

And we'll be hand in hand for everynight and everyday
I wanna scream and shout cuz rules are never doubt
And all I care about is you and me and us and now
If only I had the guts to feel this way, if only you'd look at me and wanna
stay, if only I could take you in my arms and say, I won't go cuz I need you

Please don't go cause I need you now





Everything has been confusing me lately i don't even know how to feel to brush it off or overthink it all. Is it the lack of life? lack of time?
I don't know but i feel as if i am falling away closer to you. Should i let myself go to you? Should i hold back what i fear most? I need to risk it I think this time and see if it's worth it or end up learning.
I feel like being strong enough to break.

Well it's winter break and it feels soooo good!
It's free time:] but every time i decide and plan to do things over break for myself it never happens:P
I hope i will get a bunch of reading and sewing done.
For the past couple of months i haven't been writing any songs so I ended up getting back in full swing it just takes some inspiration i guess that was what i needed.
Christmas:) was nice i love spending time with my family and New Year's can't wait :)
2008! I wish something magical would happen in my life.
I got my dad the "Benny Hill" dvd set haha and a cd and my mum a bunch of books and a piggy bookmark:) I love making people cards its more personal i think.
Haha and my parents gave 200$ not to spend but put aside for university which is always nice, this HUGE blanket, chocolate, books, cds, cosmetics and this really wonderful pearl necklace it is so beautiful haha i feel guilty if i wear it because it looks so perfect in the box lol.
Every year that comes by, time goes by even faster it's crazy i don't even understand how it just flies past everyone's head.
I need to hang out with my friends this week while i have no class:)

I think that everyone should read the book "Blink" it's really good:) i've never really thought about the way our minds and thinking really does go in depth its so wonderful this book:] If you are into that than i think you would enjoy the book.
I wish i could know what people are thinking about but their body language is easy to read most of them but hah who knows people's minds don't necessarily depict their body language.

Honestly, i truly hope every single person in this world has a good holiday no matter what. I wish people would open their eyes more and step outside of their boundaries. I wish no one would be homeless. I wish every single child to have an opportunity to go to school. I wish parents didn't abandon their kids. I wish people would make positive changes in their life. I wish everyone would have someone to love. I wish the person that i am in love with to realize that i love him beyond belief even if i have to wait for him forever i would do anything and i know we can make it and i am totally crazy about him haha i sound like an obsessed girl but i've never felt this way about anyone and never will i about anyone, but him. I wish everyone to be happy with themselves, their inner and outer beauty and what they have to offer to the world.